The Rationale Behind an Irrational Act: Suicide

“I know you all will not understand this now. I know how much anger and sadness must be in your hearts.  Please let me try to explain. Please one day, forgive me enough to read this and know that in my heart the decision I have made was done as a way to secure a future for you.”

While I have suffered many losses, I have not experienced losing someone I love through suicide.  However, I believe this is a particular brand of loss that leaves behind a particular brand of grief. Hindsight, as they say is 20/20, but I believe I have gained a certain insight into the person who either has committed this ultimate act or has contemplated it. This writing is done in an effort to help people understand what may be the thinking behind such an act. The “rationale” if you will.  I have counseled people who have lost loved ones and they have said things like “why would they do this, don’t they know how much we loved them, it was so selfish, they were only thinking of themselves.  Don’t they know we don’t care about any of it, we just want them in our lives, want them back.” I have said as a therapist, that this is a calculated well thought out act, that a person does not have to be “insane” or crazy to do this, just really desperate. Until you have known that level of frustration and desperation, you will not understand, not fully. Sympathize perhaps but never empathize.  When a person truly does not see any sort of solution, they have thought it through and agonized, repeatedly reaching out, trying to figure out what to do, sometimes the resolve is to simply not be there anymore. The one consistent thought that is so powerful is what solution ultimately takes care of the ones that the person loves? Not being there anymore means that all the nonsense goes away, and the people left, the people that really matter are taken care of. Above all, those left behind can go on without this particular person in their lives that doesn’t and hasn’t known peace in a very long time—this can be infectious. Deep down this individual knows that this negativity has been a constant influence in the lives of people they are close to, particularly their children. The person simply doesn’t know how to change. It has been who they are for so long they don’t know how to be different. They hate themselves.

The withdrawal, distance, not showing affection even they don’t like this person they have become. But at the same time they may feel completely justified in all of it. Perhaps there is unresolved grief and resentment for others that have not suffered the loss of a loved one, maybe there is a complete disconnect and complete lack of understanding between the ones who should be counted on. Maybe for them it is not about being loved but being valued or put “first”. For them, these are not the same things—being valued and being loved.  A person wanting to be alone, live on an island, being a “loner at heart”, is a very different thing than being lonely and completely “in this alone”, not having anyone to rely on.  When a person who is a “doer” can’t “do anything” about the bad situation they are in, they can become desperate and may “do the ultimate.” In their minds they may see it as the epitome of strength and sacrifice. Not at all “insane” or crazy. Well thought out.

So what’s wrong with this picture?

I have also counseled those that “only” contemplated the ultimate act. The one consistency was they had someone they could talk to about what was going on in their lives.  I share this perspective for one reason, that anyone who reads it will gain some insight into the thoughts and pain behind the act, behind the hopeless and helpless resignation someone must come to in order to make this tragic and irreversible decision. Brings new meaning to the saying “you can’t un-ring the bell”